Stephen Colbert is not looking forward to Trump’s birthday this year. The late-night host detailed Trump’s plan to have a giant military parade in Washington D.C. to celebrate his 79th birthday, costing taxpayers an estimated minimum of $25 million.
“[Trump]‘s gonna bring a taste of dictatorship back home,” Colbert joked in his Thursday monologue. “He’s throwing a big military parade on his birthday… featuring 6,600 soldiers, 150 vehicles, and 50 helicopters.”
“He wants overwhelming force, because this is more important than D-Day. It is his B-Day,” Colbert joked.
The worst part for Colbert wasn’t just the autocratic vibes, but the conditions the military service members would have to endure on Trump’s behalf.
“Service members will be wearing period uniforms from the Revolutionary War to the present,” Colbert explained. “It’ll be June in one of the most humid cities in America, and they’ll be dressing them in wool pants. It’ll go down as the Battle of Swamp Ass.”
Colbert quoted a USA Today report explaining that soldiers for the parade “will be housed in… a former government warehouse,” where they will receive “one hot meal a day,” and have been told, “bring your sleeping bags.”
“It’s my birthday slumber party!” Colbert said in a Trump impression. “Okay, fellas, let’s play Never Have I Ever. I’ll start. Never have I ever served in the military.”
This wasn’t the first time Colbert has made fun of Trump for being a draft dodger in his youth. He’s frequently referred to Trump as “Cadet Bone Spurs,” after The New York Times reported in 2018 evidence of Trump faking bone spurs to get out of serving in Vietnam.
Later in his monologue, Colbert ripped into Trump and congressional Republicans for their recent Medicaid cut proposals.
“Republicans have proposed limiting nutrition aid to only U.S. citizens and green card holders,” Colbert said. “Or, counterpoint, hear me out: what if we keep giving food to all the hungry children, and to make up for that, Republicans can eat a d—?”
As the crowd applauded, Colbert added, “In fact, let’s be generous: they can eat a bag of d—s.”
